I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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