So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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