drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
