I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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