I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
