I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
