is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
