oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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