Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize