Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
