I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
