I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
