I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
