he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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