What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
