Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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