I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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