Whod you bang
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
