I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
