he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
