I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize