He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
a search helicopter?!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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