you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
