So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize