Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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