I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
