He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
