I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
