You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
