The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
