Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
