I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
