It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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