Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
