Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
