Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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