I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
