I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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