Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize