just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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