his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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