Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
