My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
