so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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