the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
