Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
