Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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