Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize