A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
