My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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