So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
