what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Help. Why am I so naked?
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