i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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