nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize