If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
