i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
