I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You took a bar mat shot.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
